“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”
Nelson Mandela
As we process the life we are left with after the death of our loved one, we are faced with a multitude of changes. Some situations that arise are easily solvable, while others are far more daunting. It is important to remember, however, that deciding how to proceed is uniquely yours. Do what is right for you, what works for you, instead of worrying what others may think or how your decisions might look from someone who isn’t you.
First of all, take your time. Any major decisions, which can look different from one person to the next, should be avoided within that first year of loss. In retrospect, I would have done a few things differently. The choices I made then weren’t bad ones; they were what I needed to do at the time. Roman scholar, Cicero, said that, “more is lost by indecision than wrong decision.” I was at least moving forward.
I originally wanted to stay in the home Jim and I built together, so I refinanced the mortgage to make it more affordable on my single income. Financially, it was not the best decision, but it was right for emotional me. Not too soon afterward, I found it impossible to stay. It was our dream, and without him, I had to discover my own. I was hanging on to dreams that were no longer mine leaving me exhausted and lost. Courtney Carver wrote that, “when you are overwhelmed, tired, and stressed, the solution is always less. Get rid of something. Lots of somethings.” I eventually did but on my own time.
Within a couple of years after Jim’s passing, I moved to a smaller and more manageable home. I sold both our cars and bought a new one. Over time, I sorted through family relics and treasures and gifted those back to Jim’s dad, siblings, nephews, and niece. Others I have saved for our children. Carver wrote of getting rid, which sounds heartless, so for me, it was re-homing.
Making decisions, decisions that will change the course of your life, should not be made in haste or because someone else thinks it’s time. Have the conversations with those you love and trust, and then choose what will be the right move.
You don’t have to solve everything at once.