tuesday, April 5, 2022 Quote of the day

“Peace begins when expectation ends.”

Sri Chinmoy

Summer is only a couple months away so that means vacation time is just around the corner! Planning needs to begin early especially being on the heels of a pandemic; people are more than ready to greet new adventures with open arms.

As you begin preparing for vacation or those weekend get-a-ways, keep in mind to pack lightly. Pack sets of clothing instead of random items. One thing I have learned in traveling is that the people you meet along the way do not care if you’re wearing your jeans more than once! Toss in your Kindle or a few paperbacks too. You don’t need to weigh yourself down with stuff you probably will not even use. You’ll end up lugging around a lot of useless things.

One useless thing to be sure to leave behind are your expectations. As writer, Eric Werner says, “expectations are the greatest enemy of happiness,” so when he plans a trip, he does not focus on what he is hoping for, but rather, he appreciates the opportunity to travel. Traveling is a gift, which should be unwrapped slowly as each new experience presents.

When Werner was traveling, he met a local gentleman who was incredibly content and happy, and when asked his secret, he simply replied, “I have achieved happiness because I don’t have unreal expectations.” I think back to those epic times in my life: my first kiss, prom, and even a vacation destination I had always dreamed of. I tried to imagine those moments with what I thought they should be. I did not hear fireworks with my first kiss, nor did songbirds swirl around my head at prom. Imagining myself riding on horseback along the beach never happened either. My expectations spoiled my reality. Werner further remarks that we should instead invest one hundred percent in the activity but have zero percent expectations. When we do that, “we enjoy life the most when we expect the least from it.” Werner’s wisdom is a great reminder to live in the moment.

Life is heavy enough, so set down expectations and breathe in the moment!

*Eric Werner’s article, “Traveling Light” appears in the spring and summer edition of AAA Explorer.

wednesday, april 6, 2022 Quote of the day

“Disappointment is the gap that exists between expectations and reality.”

John C. Maxwell

Vibrant Mental Health posted an article a few years ago on creating a balance between realistic and unrealistic expectations. The article suggested that we “let go of a mental demand that things go your way, without shoulds” or “have-to’s.” In other words, distinguish the expectation from what you realistically want to achieve.

Take the example from yesterday’s entry on traveling. Planning a trip is exciting, and we have so many premonitions as to what that event should look like. The trip either takes us to a new destination or maybe back to that same beach house the family has rented for years. In any case, we have already conjured up in our mind what we want the experience to be…what the event should be.

Let’s begin by getting rid of shoulds all together; just eliminate that word from our vocabulary. Now let’s ask ourselves what causes us to blur the lines between what is real and what is fiction? Romantic comedies and sitcoms entertain us with an escape from our daily routine, but somehow, it seems the storylines are sneaking into our reasoning. On my days spent at home, it is unlikely my clothes match nor is my hair and makeup impeccable unlike the characters that appear on our shows. By the end of the program, the plot has tidied up nicely, and everyone has learned a lesson.

We can invite, however, a new way of differentiating fact from fiction into our everyday life. A few weeks ago, I woke up early on a Sunday morning, ready to begin the day. Before rising, I already planned out the events of the day: a walk with my dog, fertilizing the lawn, and visiting the farmers’ market. But what really happened is my dog scratched my cornea, and I spent the morning in the emergency room, and the next few days in the dark. This was not what I expected to happen!

I expected my Sunday to go a specific way, but obviously that was not intended. What actually happened is that I realized the treasure of my family and friends to help me through this really scary time. They lavished me with support in too many ways to count. I did not get the “perfect” day I had planned, but the reality check of my relationships in my life was such a beautiful reminder of the relationships with which I’ve been blessed.

Your achievement far outweighs the expectation.

thursday, april 7, 2022 Quote of the day

“It would be foolish, in forming our expectations, to attach great weight to matters which are very uncertain.”

John Maynard Keynes

When I married Jim, I knew we would grow old together. We envisioned our children and grandchildren dropping over for dinner and maybe a game of catch in the yard, and snacking on a charcuterie board and sipping wine with friends on a lazy afternoon. We’d travel after retirement hiking ancient trails and touring European cities. We had such a long and beautiful life ahead of us.

Soon after his passing, I pulled the car into the garage one evening. I was unable to open the door for nearly an hour with my head on the wheel; I sat in disbelief that my expectations of our lives together wasn’t going to happen. Feeling cheated, I have shaken my fist more than once to the heavens, but God has the broadest of shoulders. He knows the pain of grief because he knows the joy of love. Grief is having all this love bound up inside with nowhere to go with it.

I suppose it is part of our culture and our human nature to map out the course of our lives. We have all heard of the five year plan when we ask ourselves where we should be in a set time. Alan Lakein commented that, “planning is bringing the future into the present,” but upon reflecting, this is not living in the now.

My expectations were thwarted when my husband was called home so soon, but in our time together, we invested one hundred percent attention to it. Even with his treatments and the multitude of side effects, we lived. Most importantly, we found each other. No matter how long we get, it is never long enough, and I find comfort and achievement in truly knowing love.

Expectation is a word I still use for it sets a course for achievement. I’m writing down a few things I would like to work towards in this next chapter of life. I then determine if they are reasonable knowing that adjustments are probable. Being aware of the present will lessen the weight. Losing the weight of rigid expectations allows the creation of space within our hearts. The clutter is clearing and our path is opening. In the end, I believe that the life we imagine will manifest itself in the manner in which it is intended. I always expected I'd have a large family, and I do. I have two children of my own, and I am blessed with one hundred or more every school year.

See you Tuesday

tuesday, april 12, 2022 Quote of the day

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”

Nathaniel Hawthorne

When we stop chasing them, miracles find us. During the time when I was struggling to begin our family, my brother, Howard, helped me navigate my emotions by introducing me to Hawthorne’s quote. Howard encouraged me just to live my life, and whatever is intended will somehow unfold in its own time. I soon would discover the purpose, the plan, the intention of where I was to be. Let it go, and let it be; so I did.

Honoring April as National Poetry Month, I discovered a treasure by Rev. Safire Rose that brought me to tears. Tears of elation, of trust, of reality, resonating the majestic love of the Universe, which is inside us all. Enjoy …

“She Let Go”

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

wednesday, april 13, 2022 Quote of the day

“Peace is the process of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.”

Wayne Dyer

Last week, we reflected on how the expectations we hold are really just an illusion. It is natural to plan and wish for events, relationships, and opportunities to happen during our lives, but the focus instead needs to be centered on the life our Creator has specifically prepared for us. Sarah Young suggests that we, “don’t get so focused on what you want that you miss the things I’ve (God) prepared for you.”

On April 7, 1986, I was told my chances of conceiving a baby were nearly impossible. I was devastated. The first course of action was surgery. The mirror reflected I was a woman but unable to experience the gift of womanhood by becoming a mother. My body did not work. I blamed myself, and I also felt disappointment for my husband. My first husband was one of eleven children, and we hoped to have kids of our own, but our expectation of having a traditional family of our own was diminishing.

We decided we would wait before committing to the surgery. Recovery time for the procedure was at least six weeks, and with the onset of summer, we had signed up for a couple of co-ed softball teams. I would also lose time away from work. The end of summer was our deadline; we would make a decision on how we were to proceed then. Maybe God had a different plan for us; maybe we were to adopt. The fertility pills, the basal thermometer, the charts, and the calendar were tossed in the trash. We let it go, and left it up to God. Two weeks later, I conceived.

In January of 1987, I gave birth to our son, and two years later, our daughter. When I married Jim, I was blessed with a bonus daughter as well. Things don’t happen in our time, but in Heavenly time. Yoga, prayer, and meditation have taught me to breathe in Let, and exhale Go. Letting go has been the most powerful mantra for me.

Desperately grabbing for what we want is not the peaceful process as Wayne explains in his quote. Pray for what you want, and then let go.

May you trust in freeing yourself to let go.

thursday, april 14, 2022 Quote of the day

“In solitude, there is healing. Speak to your soul. Listen to your heart. Sometimes in the absence of noise, we find the answers.”

Dodinsky

Hawthorne’s quote is simple; when we stop and resign, resolve reveals itself. I am grateful my brother Howard and I shared our love for poetry. When he fell ill, I was with him during a few of his treatments, and in every medical office we went to, Hawthorne’s quote was there. It followed us around like a fluttering butterfly.

Whatever loss we endure, it leaves within us a deep well. My awareness heightened as a widow because it seemed obvious to me that the world was customized for twos. When I went to a vacation rental alone, there were two chairs on the patio, two wine glasses, two sides of the bed, two sets of pillows, and two spots for toothbrushes. Even Noah’s Ark was a couples only cruise.

Whether losing a parent, a sibling, or a child, the awareness for those loved ones will intensify too. It seems like what we want is all around us but evades our grasp. Howard taught me a critical lesson, one that has kept me buoyant after losing Jim. “There is a gift, Sharon, of being single.” Although I don’t think of myself as single, being alone allows me to continue my work and Jim’s legacy. Being alone blooms creativity. Being alone doesn’t have to be lonely.

Nearly five years have had to pass for me to not equate alone as lonely. It takes time. The peace I have now in my heart is crowding out the pain. I am getting comfortable with solitude and the absence of noise. It limits the chaos and confusion that life enjoys tossing our way. Instead of chasing after people or things to fill up my time, I rest. Being alone refuels and recharges me. “Be still and know that I am God,” for the stillness is where He is.

You are complete. See you Tuesday

tuesday, April 19, 2022 Quote of the day

“Fortunate is he who does not walk with envy as his companion.” Rumi

Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley was a brilliant writer who created the timeless Gothic novel, Frankenstein. When her work was published in the early 1800s, she used words and phrases that are seldom used in today’s language. I recall in her book that when a character would exit the room, Shelley did not use the word “left” but rather “quitted.” Humm, he quitted the room, but then after turning this around in my brain a couple of times, I understood.

Words, phrases, and expressions do evolve over time as shifts in our culture continue to change. If someone is mad nowadays, they are angry, not mentally unstable, and cool it was replaced in the 1990s with take a chill pill. Language is so interesting!

Sacred scripture also can be confusing. In Exodus 34:14, it states that, ”for you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” Wait, what? I thought that envy was something to be avoided, so I researched what jealousy meant in the time when it was written.

In Hebrew, qanna, meaning zeal and enthusiasm, is an intense feeling of energy. It has a positive connotation, whereas now we think of jealousy as negative. Unlike in today's culture where jealousy punctures relationships, in Hebrew, both zealous and jealous mean the same. God’s zealous love for us, is not out of selfishness but rather of His commitment to us. He does not want anything to distract us from His love. When we idolize other things, we are separating ourselves from Him.

Imagine a novel such as Frankenstein teaching me how to approach a Biblical interpretation. Never shy away from finding your answers. Sacred texts, at least for me, can be ambiguous, so research, study, and share.

I’m sure our Creator enjoys the attention!

wednesday, April 20, 2022 Quote of the day

“A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it.

It just blooms.”

Zen Shin

Holidays and anniversaries can be difficult to traverse after loss. Easter was difficult this year for me, but it also means more to me than it used to. Easter is a reminder that we get forever; we just need to figure out how to navigate the now.

Upon the one year anniversary of Jim passing, my family ambled about trying to ascertain what to do. I spoke with the kids, and we decided to spend the day to ourselves. Over the phone, I asked Jesscia what she was feeling. She responded with gratitude; she said she was most thankful that the year of firsts were over. Holidays and birthdays were always prefaced with “my first birthday without Jim,” or “the first Christmas without Jim.” I had never thought of that, but there was a relief that the year of firsts was indeed behind us.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote a book On Death and Dying. Along with David Kessler, they outlined five stages of grief people experience. Jim and I both read her work, and the stages make sense. However, after experiencing my loss, it is the only one way to face grief. The stages are tidy, but grieving has too many facets to fit into one method.

The quote above is a reminder that there is no specific way to grieve. You cannot compare or compete with how others are handling their story. Guilt can play a tremendous part as well. The guilt the survivor endures when going to dinner or out to a ballgame is weighty. Everything seems to be a contradiction. You still have to go on living, but you’re just going through the motions.

First of all, you owe no one an explanation. Then, as you begin to step once more into life, ask yourself this first: “Will this aid in my healing, or will this hinder it?” Surprisingly, you will soon determine what you, your own flower, needs in order to bloom. Prepare for whiplash, however! After psyching myself to go into school one morning, I got half way there and turned around. The next day, I made it and taught the whole day.

There is no competition in getting over or getting through…this is your journey. Honor it and blossom in your own way.

I will see you Tuesday, May 3. My daughter is getting married, and my attention is on her! Wishing you the best until then. Peace.

Storylight A transformational journey SHARON M WIBLE